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Veronica Mars [userpic]

theatrical_muse #231

May 22nd, 2008 (02:41 pm)

"Everything passes. Nobody gets anything for keeps. And that's how we've got to live." Haruki Murakami.

I can't even begin to explain how true that quote is. At least as far as my own life goes. Social standing, friends, enemies, family members... they all flitter in and out of my life, sometimes as if they weren't even there in the first place, more often than not leaving destruction of some description or another in their wakes.

That's been my life for the last... going on five years. God, I can't even believe it's been that long or how much has happened since. It's sort of mind boggling when I actually stop to think about it. I still miss Lilly nearly every day. Duncan, Logan even though he's still sort of around on the periphery of my life. Things haven't been the same in over a year. Sometimes I really hate myself for missing him. Other days I hate him. It varies. There are other people I'm more than glad to see gone from my life. Logan's dad. My mom. Madison. They've brought absolutely nothing but pain in recent memory and who needs that?

At this point I'm pretty much adjusted to the fact that people come in and out of my life and I really don't have any control over that. And for the most part I'm okay with that. Until we come to my dad. I may be turning 21 in a few months, but that doesn't mean I want to see the day I have to live my life not at least talking to my dad every day any time soon.

Veronica Mars
Veronica Mars
256

Veronica Mars [userpic]

theatrical_muse #222: Sleeping on the couch.

March 21st, 2008 (11:39 am)
nostalgic

current state: nostalgic

I can remember one thing in common with every time I was sick enough to stay home from school when I was little. I'd get set up on the couch with my pillow, my comforter, a box of tissues, and if I had an upset stomach a glass of ginger ale. Usually I'd drift in and out of sleep watching superhero cartoons and my mom would check in on me every so often. Back when she still had half a clue how to be a mom, before chasing the worm at the bottom of the tequila bottle became the most important thing in her world.

Even though I was sick at the time, those are good memories. I was safe and taken care of while I was cocooned on that couch. Everything was the way it was supposed to be. If that makes any sense at all to anyone other than me. I guess it says a lot about everything that's come after that the days when I was sick have become 'happy' memories.

Veronica Mars
Veronica Mars
178

Veronica Mars [userpic]

shakeitup_pf: Falling down the rabbit hole

March 9th, 2008 (11:45 pm)
shocked

current state: shocked

Who: Veronica Mars
What: Much belated Arrival/Introduction
When: Late Afternoon/Early Evening
Location: Town Square
Open or Closed: Open
Rating: PG-13 at most. PG more likely. If that changes I'll edit.

Veronica tucked her hair behind her ear as she pushed the filing cabinet in her dad's office shut again. How had she gotten roped into organizing this place on such a beautiful day? Oh, right... because she hadn't looked busy enough to her dad since quiting her job at Java the Hut in favour of getting an on-campus job when school started again in the fall. "Stupid Veronica," she muttered under her breath. She could have just spent more time with Wallace, Mac and Logan - be out of the house more often so that her dad wouldn't have noticed...

At least she was getting paid. And it wasn't like he would bother with it if she didn't... that's how it got in this state to start with. One year without her here full time and the office falls apart. She shook her head, giving the Rolodex another once over to make sure the cards were all in order, glanced around the room to make sure everything had been put away, and picked up her bag from the back of her the receptionist chair and put it on her shoulder before flicking the light off and locking the door behind her.

It was after 5pm, the office was officially closed, her work was done and her dad was out of town. Walking down the stairwell she had long ago memorized she searched through her bag for her Sidekick as she backed out the building's entrance. She turned, expecting to see her shiny new Saturn Hybrid parked in downtown Neptune but instead was greeted with an unfamiliar townscape. She stopped in her tracks, dropping the phone back into her bag.

She turned back to where the building that housed her dad's private investigator's office should be to find more unfamiliar town.

"What?!" she murmured in complete shock.

((thread here))

Veronica Mars [userpic]

theatrical_muse 219: Headlines

March 6th, 2008 (10:38 pm)
cranky

current state: cranky

I'm sure you've all seen the headlines. It was hard to miss them once it went national... once People Magazine put what should be private pain on the cover because my murdered best friend happened to be the eldest child of a software tycoon. Every single one of the pieces went on to paint my dad as the bumbling local sheriff who went after the wrong man - after the grieving father.

Of course now we all know that while it wasn't Jake Kane, my dad was right that Abel Koontz wasn't the man that murdered Lilly. And when we finally figured out who really did and why, all our names were splashed across the headlines again. At least that time the Mars name wasn't being dragged through the mud and then trampled on. This time instead of the bumbling local sheriff, he was local hero, bringing a murderer to justice, saving his only daughter from being victim number two.

I really could live without anyone I know being made fodder for this week's People for the rest of my life. I just hope that equals the people I love being safe.

Veronica Mars
Veronica Mars
191

Veronica Mars [userpic]

theatrical_muse #217: Ring/Book Picture

February 10th, 2008 (01:23 am)
thoughtful

current state: thoughtful

I'm sure it says a lot of extremely unflattering things about my personality, mindset, whatever you want to call it that the first thing I saw when I looked at this picture wasn't the heart shadow, or even the ring, but a few snippets of text on an otherwise obscured and blurry page. There it is, though. For all of Wallace's talk of me being a marshmallow back when we first met what I saw wasn't the romantic 'forever love' image, or even the words on the right hand side of the image that clearly tie back to it.

Not even close. I saw 3 : ruined or destroyed physically or morally 4 : DENIED; also : HARDENED. I wish I could have seen the flowery stuff. The stuff that might point to some idea of me being happy or even in love somewhere down the line. I've had enough of that other stuff to last several lifetimes over at this point. Maybe that's the problem? Maybe I'm just too damaged to trust, to open myself up so that the flowery stuff even becomes a possibility because I've been conditioned to see loving people as if not a weakness a vulnerability that can be exploited when you least expect it. Just when it could destroy you the most. I'm not talking about simply romantic love here. Anyone who's read my postings for any length of time has to know that much so I won't get into it right now.

Maybe under this tough-as-nails-don't-care-what-anyone-thinks exterior I've got going, Wallace is right. Maybe deep in my core I am that Marshmallow. It's gotta be worth something that I wish I had been drawn to the ring and the heart shadow. That I want to be able to believe in that happily ever after scenario.

There's got to be something more out there than what I'm living now.

Veronica Mars
Veronica Mars
317

Veronica Mars [userpic]

theatrical_muse #213: Sorrow

January 11th, 2008 (05:43 pm)
nostalgic

current state: nostalgic

"There's enough sorrow in the world, isn't there, without trying to invent it." ~ E.M.Forster, A Room With A View.

In a word, yes. I'd say nobody that went to Neptune High between 2003 and 2006 could really argue me on that, but that would pretty much guarantee that somebody would. Whether to be argumentative or simply because I'm the one that said it, your guesses are as good as mine.

There was just so much hurt, so much loss of life... people I was close to and some I couldn't care less about, people I knew and some I didn't. Yeah, there's definitely enough sorrow in the world without having to invent it. And that really only takes into account local things. Never mind natural disasters, war, terrorists... I think the world has things well under control without any extra help from whoever decides it might be fun, or entertaining to inflict further pain on people.

It's funny... I spent so many years thinking that things would be better if I could just get the hell out of Neptune. I spent most of the summer in Washington working a dream internship, and realised two things from that: I actually missed Neptune, number one. Not just the people, but there were things I wished I could do. Take Backup for a walk on the beach behind the apartment complex, stupid stuff like that. The other thing though? It doesn't matter where you're from or where you go, living this life is always going to be painful and challenging.

This doesn't mean I'm working on a total personality overhaul. I tend not to lash out so much as fight back. It just means I'm less fixated on putting distance between me and the rest of my life. I'm just going to roll with the punches as best I can at this point.

Veronica Mars
Veronica Mars
289

Veronica Mars [userpic]

theatrical_muse 209: What are you afraid of?

December 27th, 2007 (10:56 pm)
uncomfortable

current state: uncomfortable

It might be shorter if I just talk about what I'm not afraid of. And the fact that I actually admitted that scares the hell out of me. It's been so long since I haven't been afraid in some major way - pushed to the back of my mind or not - that I've forgotten what it's like not to be. Sure, I talk tough... but am I really as invincible together, as fearless-action-figurey as I like to pretend I am? I'll leave that up to everyone else to decide.

Veronica Mars
Veronica Mars
90

Veronica Mars [userpic]

theatrical_muse 210: Crystal Ball

December 27th, 2007 (10:36 pm)
discontent

current state: discontent

If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about any one thing you wished ~ concerning yourself, your life, the future, or anything else ~ what would you want to know?

Well, I wouldn't have guessed the last few years would have gone the way they did if I had tried, and if anyone would have told me I definitely wouldn't have believed, oh, ninety-nine percent of it, so I'm really not sure I'm the wanting to ask the crystal ball anything.

Really, why I am the way I am isn't a mystery. There are several factors at play and I completely get it. I'm damaged goods. Period. I guess, though, if there was this crystal ball that is somehow more reliable than a Magic 8 Ball that could give me the answer to any question I saw fit to ask it that I would probably ask if I'm ever going to get the hell over my issues and be able to accept happiness and love and not do something to sabotage it. Believe me, I know that me and my neuroses are the reason Logan dumped me last year. I knew that at the time. And I know I'm the reason that Piz and I didn't work out. I through away two perfectly decent guys for what exactly? Hell, I even sabotaged my father's more than once, intentionally or otherwise.

Maybe I should make friends with some Psych majors and get some free therapy? Assuming that would speed up the process any.

Maybe I don't need a crystal ball so much as a time machine? Not that it make things any better. I may not have saw any of this coming but I don't exactly believe it wouldn't have played out more or less the same anyway. Expecting things to be drastically different would be expecting personality transformations from everyone involved. But I do know I'd rather not know the life-altering moments before they happen. Screw looking into a crystal ball. I've taken things - good and bad - as they've come so far... why stop now?

Veronica Mars
Veronica Mars
316

Veronica Mars [userpic]

theatrical_muse 207: Control

December 3rd, 2007 (10:08 pm)
thoughtful

current state: thoughtful

Control.

The people who have it exploit it. Those who don't would do just about anything to get it. At least in my experience, anyway.

I'm not necessarily talking about control over others, either. I spent the better part of a year and half trying to regain some semblance of control over my life after I lost my best friend and my mom split. It was exhausting. And after all that work I still didn't end up with a picture perfect life. I'm not sure I'll ever have that. But there is one thing I learned from all of that. It probably sounds like the most obvious thing in the world to people who actually know me, but I guess despite inhabiting our own skins we actually have to work at knowing who we really are.

The thing I learned about control, though? I cannot stand not having it. I have to be in control to feel safe. When there are too many variables at play and I don't feel in control I can do some pretty reckless things.

So maybe I'm one of those people who will do just about anything to get control... but I wouldn't say I exploit that so much as any knowledge I might gain in the process.

Veronica Mars
Veronica Mars
213

Veronica Mars [userpic]

theatrical_muse 206: Who do you live for?

December 3rd, 2007 (09:52 pm)
pensive

current state: pensive

What do I live for?

That's sort of a loaded question with no easy answer, isn't it?

Top of the list is and probably always will be my dad. He means more to me than anything it the world. I can truthfully say he's the only reason I'm still in this town. The only reason I actually applied at Hearst. Let's face it... without the scholarship and the on campus job it's really no more attainable to the Mars family income than Stanford was. Okay, maybe it's cheaper... but it still doesn't mean I can afford it. But going there means I can live at home and stay close to my dad.

We don't always see eye to eye, probably never will, but if there's one thing in this life I know I can count on without question, is that we will always be there for each other when we're needed. I don't deserve it. Especially after what I've cost him. I'm sure he'd probably argue that he's cost me just as much. Maybe he has. I don't know. It's not really something I think about.

He is the one true constant in my life.

There's a dash of Lilly in there, too. I have to say. One of us has to keep living, and well, she's not here to do it, is she?

I realise the question was 'what' do I live for, not 'who', but when you break it down, I'm not living for things or goals. I could, but I doubt it would make me happy. I did that once, and while I achieved it, I wouldn't claim it made me any happier in the end. And somehow I doubt Duncan or Logan would either.

Veronica Mars
Veronica Mars
288

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